I never said I was an angel.

My hands are dirty with the mistakes of my past, and my knees scraped from the struggle to find what will make my heart soar in this life.

I’ve never said that I am perfect.

Instead, I only have good intentions—like the rest of us, I suppose. I have lied to others and unfortunately to myself. I have made choices that I knew were wrong, but I chose to make them anyway—simply because I wanted to.

I’ve never said that I am not to blame.

I have caused tidal waves in this life with the mistakes I have made. I have hurt others, sometimes accidently, and sometimes on purpose. I don’t always bite my tongue and choose peace. Often I will say the very things that I know shouldn’t be said, just because I delight in saying what so many choose not to—admittedly, I take delight in being difficult at times.

I’ve never said that I know it all.

While I have come so far on this journey, I know that I still have far to go. Each and every day I learn more about who I am as a person, and what I want from this one amazing life. I know that I have challenges waiting for me up ahead on my road, and I know that I will be crying and bruised at some points—yet, I still choose to travel on.

I choose to see the good in myself and in others because that is how I want to live my life.

Because despite all of these claims of promises that I can’t make—I can promise that I will always do the best I can.

I wake each morning knowing who I am down to the depths of my soul. I soak in my darkest corners, and realize that what lies there beneath the surface is just as valuable as the smile that plays upon my lips. I understand that no one is free from their darkness, and that it is sometimes a daily struggle not to let it take over.

For me, my insecurities shout obscenities at me from behind the clouds of my heart. They yell and torment me about all the times I was hurt and crying; they tease me with memories of the situations when things didn’t go the way I expected them to.

Yet it is my choice whether or not I feed into them, or recognize them for what they truly are—fear.

Most of the times that I have caused hurt and made mistakes have come from fear. From either striking out against another first so that I wouldn’t take the first blow, or because I was protecting myself from the seductive lure of possibility by self-sabotage.

And yet, here I am—the heat of the brilliant sun shining upon my face in the middle of a stormy day.

Because I choose to be the good that I want to receive in this life.

I know that I will continue to make mistakes, and I know that I will undoubtedly hurt those I love—but I can try my best to not let that happen.

I can try, simply, to do the best that I can.

I can’t control the actions of others—but I have learned that I can control how and if I let them affect me. I can’t guarantee that my friends or lovers will always make choices that I will be happy with—but I can choose to accept and love them anyway.

I can choose to love someone not because they are perfect—but because they are real.

Each day that we wake up we are given a challenge to be better than we were yesterday. We are challenged to choose between living life with our fears dragging at our heels, and the mistakes of our past weighing heavily on our shoulders—or, to simply let it all go.

We can choose to treat others how we want to be treated—without being a doormat. We can choose to block harsh words and actions with a shield of kindness and understanding. By doing this, we are acknowledging that another may be acting out of pain or fear, and so instead of trying to engage them—we can simply choose to let it go and send them love anyway.

Being the person I am does not rely on how someone else chooses to live their life.

I will extend unconditional kindness, love, respect and support to others not because I am a divine angel, but because I believe that choice is a form of self-love.

It’s being true to who I am—regardless of the actions of others.

Within each of us we hold the gift of unconditional trust. Just because we have been hurt before does not mean that we have lost that sacred ability to believe in others.

Living with truth means being honest with ourselves—only then can we be truthful with others.

To speak the truth does not mean that it will always be pleasant, but if we teach ourselves to address other people and situations in a way that is authentic for each of us, then we will set the expectations for others in our lives.

This means being honest about our feelings—whether it is love, fear, anger or pain. It means not making excuses if we don’t feel like doing something, or making false promises because we don’t want to let someone down. This type of truth is letting our lovers know if we are feeling attracted to someone else, or if we are falling out of love with them—it’s valuing honesty above all else.

No one ever said that speaking the truth and living with trust would be easy—but it is worth it.

I never said I was an angel. I am merely a beautifully flawed woman doing the best that I can. I am a woman who tries to extend love and kindness to those who need it the most, someone who believes that in the end truth and love not only prevail—but that they are the very qualities that make life worth living.

I choose to be who I am and speak my truth regardless of others—not because I am heartless, but because I have hid from myself for far too long.

With my broken wings and my dirty bare feet, I make the choice to not be an angel, but to be real instead. I don’t claim that my heart and soul is divine perfection manifested—but I do guarantee that it is unlike any other.

And it is that truth that will continually set me free, soaring into skies unknown and living a life that I love—all the way down to my toes.


Why I get to hate you.

A girl and her thought

It’s hard growing up without a father but it’s easier when you have a fantastic mother playing both roles. –unknown

Most days I love my crazy life but I’m human and some days I wonder. Being a mother is suppose to complete you but when you’re doing it by yourself sometimes you feel alone. Being a mom is the hardest thing I’ll ever do but it’s the most rewarding title I’ll ever have.

I have a three-year old daughter. She has the most life I’ve ever seen from anyone. Her heart is pure, her mind is fresh, her life is blissful. My baby has no idea what it is to hate and what it is to love. Sadly, I do.

Some days I hate you more than others. How is it that one man can have so much responsibility but not actually tend to it? How come you get to…

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How to Love a Single Mom.

Via on Dec 21, 2013


Single mothers are a different breed.

From the outside, we may look the same as our single comrades (with no children), but the insides of our lives, minds and hearts are vastly different.

Single moms don’t have the same free will as other single women.

We have undergone massive life shifts from single-hood to married life, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding; enduring radical changes to our bodies and minds.

We are connected; interwoven with the lives of our children. We are responsible for their well-being and daily survival. Hidden under the layers of responsibility lies our own needs, which resurface as we disengage from our identity as a married woman.

Since my separation three and half years ago, I’ve noticed a growing number of my contemporaries (in their early to mid-30s) join the force of divorcees.

Recently, several of my freshly divorced friends have confided in me about their struggles. They share the same feelings (as I did and do) of excitement, trepidation, anxiety, confusion and fear over their newborn single status.

I’ve made up for all of the years of inexperience in the dating pool, earning a rap sheet full of mistakes and heartbreaks. I still don’t understand the game of love, but I do understand my needs as a woman and mother. Some of which, I believe are universal to single mothers in my age bracket.

I wrote this piece with the intention of supporting the man interested in a woman with children. To offer him a peek inside her life, to help him understand her better.

This piece is also dedicated to all of the single mothers who will hopefully read this and know they are not alone in their needs and desires.

There are men out there who will embrace you and your children without hesitation, and they will see it as a blessing.

Here’s how to love a single mom:

1. Be patient.

Think of her as a cavewoman transported to the 21st century.

When I divorced, I felt like Brendan Fraser in Encino Man. My 19 year old self thawed in the middle of Single-town, expected to assume the role of a 31 year old eligible bachelorette with an A-game.

It was quite the opposite. I spent the entire decade of my 20s hibernating in the cave of accelerated adulthood—planning a wedding, building a home, getting pregnant, having miscarriages, getting pregnant again, breast feeding, home making and child-rearing. I missed out on the 10 years of dating and hard knock life lessons of an un-committed Gen X’er.

I had no clue how to behave or what to expect from another mate, not to mention the men I was connecting with, had no experience with a woman with children; posing another layer of complications.

My advice is to be sensitive to her single/dating immaturity. She’s only known the security of married life–all in and completely devoted. Taking it slow and playing a smooth game is not her M.O.  Remember, she spent every night for years with the same person. She is a fish out of water and she will act like it.

Coddle her a bit. Make light of her ineptness and remember she’s on a learning curve—it won’t be like this forever.

2. Be consistent.

When you don’t have anyone to answer to, come home to, or care for, your schedule belongs to you. You can be as spontaneous as you want.

A woman with children can’t, nor could she even if she wanted to be. She has a schedule. Daily life is planned out because children need consistency and boundaries, and she needs to maintain her sanity.

There is meal time, bed time, a routine, a school schedule, a homework schedule, dentist appointments, doctor appointments, dance class, time with mom and time with dad.

One of the most important actions a man can take when dating or building a relationship with a woman with this cargo ship of obligation is, to be respectful of her time and her life.

The last thing she needs is to be concerned or preoccupied with, is when she will hear from you, her significant other.

It’s really simple. Call her regularly, even if it’s just to tell her you are thinking about her. Plan dates at least a few days in advance. When you acknowledge her circumstance it shows her, you care.

When the kids are with their father, spontaneity can reign, but when she’s on duty, honor her. Plan ahead.

3. Listen.

Chances are, she’s been lonely for a very long time. She hasn’t had the opportunity to share her thoughts or feelings with a partner for years. Give her your time and attention. Listen to her talk about her day—what the kids did, the good parts, the bad parts. Just by listening, you are building trust and intimacy.

Better yet, listen over dinner.

One of the loneliest moments of my days over the past few years has been dinner-time. It is a blessing to sit with my children every evening, but there is a deep ache as I set the table for three. I sit down and across from me, empty space, on either side of me, joy—bouncing legs, crumbs and buttery hands yearning to tell me about their days and I listen, but there is something missing, a partner.

Someone who’s there to listen, contribute to the conversation, and asks the questions I forget to ask, who catches the conversation like the catcher in a game, and throws the ball back to me, “How was your day?” 

As mothers, we feel forgotten, a lot. We listen and listen, but who is there to listen to us?

It is a simple action—to be silent and give attention to the object of your affection. It will mean more to her than any words could ever express.

4. Feed her with sex.

The results are in, women our age are horny.

We are in our sexual prime. Some of us haven’t had meaningful or passionate sex in years.

I’ve heard it over and over again from my friends and other women in the same boat—we need and want sex, lots of it; not with lots of people, with someone who we love and trust.

After the day is over and she’s tended to everyone else’s needs, she will want to express her sensual side and be passionate.  It is important for her to feed her needs, even if they are primal.

Emoji has nothing on the emotional forecast of a woman who has weathered a divorce. Residing under the feelings of fear and grief, relief and sadness is, liberation.

She feels free.

When we feel unsatisfied emotionally or mentally, we automatically lose our desire for sex. Most marriages live in this space.  Those who have reclaimed themselves through separation or divorce live in a sexually liberated state.

This phase won’t last forever, but while she’s in it, enjoy it.  Explore with her and feel honored she chose to explore her newfound freedom with you.

5. Follow her lead when it comes to the kids.

Allow her to decide when it’s time to meet her children, whether it is a month in or four months in to dating. She is the expert when it comes to her children.

When you do meet them, be natural, be yourself. Children are like dogs, they smell fear and they sense insincerity.

Just show up. You don’t need to buy their affection, you just need to be present, listen, participate, and be consistent with your presence.

Your job is not to play ‘Daddy.’ (My advice as an expert single mom) if she makes it your job immediately, I would highly recommend reconsidering your involvement. Your place is as her partner and lover, not as a parent, at least not until you walk down the aisle or commit to a long-term partnership.

Just remember, if you’ve met her children, it’s the sign of all signs that she sees a future with you and most importantly, she trusts you.

Although I was young when I divorced, I thought I might be in for a long life of tables for one. I figured I’d be written off as damaged goods or heavy baggage. My motto for a while came in the form of a self deprecating question, “Who would want me now?”

The rejection of divorce can hold its breath for years; it has only recently drowned for me.

I think the best piece of advice I can give is, give it time. If you just divorced, give yourself some time to be alone before you begin a relationship. If you are a man interested in a single mom, allow her space to heal before you become involved. It will only improve the well being of your relationship in the future. Be her friend first. You will instinctively know when she’s ready and when she is, love her all the way.

*Author’s note: This article is written from the perspective of a single mother, however there are many single fathers for who this applies.

By Rebecca Lammersen

Changing yourself takes time, it is incremental and can seem like hypocrisy to judging observers. While developing yourself you may reverse opinions, contradict yourself and seem inconsistent with your beliefs and actions. Don’t allow people to control you with the consistency trap. Consistency has been weaponized. Don’t let consistency be used against your holistic being and full-spectrum intelligence. You are not illogical. You are not stupid. Being ‘smart’ is a total spectrum of behaviors; it is about balance — not just intellect. Your opinions matter, and you can even change them! You can say things that are completely wrong and still be a part of a legitimate dialogue. You can do things that are completely wrong and still be a part of a legitimate evolution. You are an amorphous being and can change your views, opinions, ideas, and beliefs at will and as frequently as you desire. You are allowed to be inconsistent, contradictory and unbound by conventions such as sanity, intelligence or making sense. When you reserve the right to total contradiction, you reserve the self-acceptance to be human.